My Transgender journey
In the winter of 2019 I was watching Veneno, a mini series about the first openly trans woman in Spain. I was curious about it after finishing the omnibus for Grant Morrison’s The Invisibles, in which one of the main characters is also a trans woman. As I watched the first episode of Veneno I empathized with the main character’s depression and gender dysphoria, I felt tears streaming down my cheeks. I didn’t understand why this story was hitting me so hard. A while later I was watching the show Doom Patrol and got to episode 8 “Danny Patrol”. An gender queer entity, that serves as a safe haven for misfits is being hunted by the Bureau of Normalcy. One of the characters gets to musically experience their authentic self at cabaret full of drag queens and trans folx. I sobbed joyfully at the idea of such freedom, but also bitterly for feeling like I didn’t have it. Something was going on with me.
I was assigned male at birth but today I am a trans woman. One of my transition milestones was closing my old Facebook account and starting a new one for Blixxa. I shared my transition journey on both accounts and I’m sharing it here for anyone interested.
Well, here it is, my final facebook post on this account.
I am transgender. This is me coming out to everyone that I haven’t spoken to 1 on 1.
I’m not going to explain myself for anyone’s curiosity or justification. But I will be vulnerable and share my story that is very precious to me for the one person out there that might be struggling with their identity.
To the trolls that are reading, you can say whatever you want, I won’t see it. After this post I won’t be checking this account ever again. My wife will change the password and close the account after giving people a couple weeks to see this.
No, I didn’t cross dress as a gag one Halloween and make the shocking discovery.
No, I wasn’t suffering in silence all my life with a heavy secret.
My story is boring, I read a book and examined who I am.
A year ago I had a client in transition. I also had a client that had dated a trans woman. Since my Gender Studies were over 16 years old and only one unit in a single semester of Human Behavior I felt I needed to brush up to better serve my clients. In one of the books I read I discovered that the APA has very strict definitions of masculine and feminine. It seemed very unlikely to me that very many people would be exclusively masculine or feminine. Since I had no prejudices about it, I was comfortable thinking of myself and most of humanity (no matter how they choose to identify) as genderqueer.
This mentality allowed me to see myself and biological sex and social gender through a different lens and be able to ask questions freely. Over time, I realized that I love the characteristics of femininity and hated the characteristics of masculinity. I realized that I hated the expectations of manhood so much that I just couldn’t tolerate it any longer. If that’s hard to understand, then imagine you woke up tomorrow as the opposite sex and no one would believe you were any other way. If that seems okay to you, you might be trans. If that sounds horrible to you, now you know how it feels to identify in a way other than what was assigned to you at birth.
I spoke to my wife about the discovery which was difficult for both of us. I found a therapist that works with sex/gender identity issues. We also found a gender affirming couples counselor to help us navigate how this might affect our relationship. I started to see the signs that I was trans for a long time but was very good at suppressing the thoughts and feelings. I really liked cute and colorful things as a kid… and tried to cut off my penis. I never brought it up; I thought every boy tries to cut off their penis at some point. Any thoughts of being a girl were as absurd as becoming Superman, so my child mind dismissed it.
In adolescence, I discovered porn. Heterosexual porn seemed violent and disturbing to me but I really liked lesbian porn. I saw lesbians and thought that they must be the happiest people in the world. I fantasized about being one of them and never brought it up because I assumed all guys fantasized about being a lesbian. Why wouldn’t they? What would be better than having a woman’s body and having sex with other women? Nothing, that’s heaven. But it turned out most guys don’t have those fantasies.
Another reason to keep things to myself was that when/where I grew up, the word “gay” (and everything adjacent) was an insult. The game “smear the queer” sticks out in my memory. In middle-school I saw the movie Dressed to Kill, this was my first example of anything bucking the sex/gender norms, a crossdressing serial killer. So the message I got was that people with my thoughts and feelings were dangerous and insane. In high school there was one kid that was openly gay (that I knew of) that got shunned, ridiculed and bullied on a pretty regular basis. He wasn’t one of my friends but there was one time when I was in an art class with him. Four jocks were making fun of him and it filled me with rage. I confronted them and they backed down. I wouldn’t have been able to take on even one of them, I just didn’t have anything to lose. But those four boys would have been in a lot of trouble if they got suspended. I wasn’t thinking about any of that. My friends thought I was an idiot and i just kept asking myself “why did I do that?”
But before I play the victim, I’ll admit that I also made fun of boys that were too effeminate or girls that were too butch. I was a dumb teenager that thought they were freaks and I didn’t want to be a freak. I could call that “internalized shame” or a survival mechanism or denial but whatever was going on with me didn’t excuse being an asshole to other people more courageous than me.
In young adulthood I immersed myself in religion. I joined a nice church with nice people. There was no hellfire and brimstone condemnations of LGBTQ people but no affirmations either. When some did come out it just seemed like they quietly vanished. The real issue is that a “faith experience” does not exist in a bubble; it’s a part of a larger whole and the larger whole said homosexuality is an abomination (and by extension all the other letters). So, rather than deal with it, I just defaulted to suppression. I mean, obviously right? Premarital sex, porn, masturbation… it was all evil right?
Here's are a couple of funny ones. Any time I could make a character for a game I would make a female character. Why wouldn't I? What was better than being a female character? Nothing. I didn't understand why any guy would play a male character when they could be female. Many times I thought all the guys I was hanging out with had severe emotional impairments and that I was the only sane man in the room. I guess they were actually normal guys and I just wasn't one of them.
Anyway… I’m trans. I’m a few weeks into Hormone Replacement Therapy and pursing surgical procedures. I’m wearing feminine clothes and using makeup. Being trans is pure joy for me. The only upsets are with a shitty patriarchal culture (and women’s clothing sizes).
My wife, kids and everyone closest to me loves me and accepts me (even if they don’t understand me). Melissa loves me and I love her. You, EVERYONE, falls in love with a person not their genitals. If your partner was in a disfiguring accident would you stop loving them? Real love is something that happens to you, you don’t choose it, it chooses you and there’s nothing you can do about it but try to figure out how to make it work.
Brian is gone. Blixxa is on her journey. Good luck with your own journeys.
To the transphobes, TERFs and trans-medicalists, your ideology doesn’t make your life or anyone else’s life better. You only bring more pain, anger and sadness into the world.
To the hordes of men with a trans-fetish filling people’s DMs with their disgusting objectifications… go fuck yourself.
So that’s my story. There’s obviously more but I only wanted to expand on one thing that I think is significant but may have been too challenging for some, and thus a distraction.
In 2018 I was regularly practicing mediative techniques related to astra projection and remote viewing. I felt like it was very important for the conscious mind to be more in-tune with the subconscious mind. Our subconscious is a part of who we are and (I would argue) the key to much of our self awareness, but we generally lack the intention or presence to turn our attention inward or don’t recognize the inner voice. I made this a priority for myself with a daily routine and eventually planned a weekend getaway for some very focused time to turn inward. During this special time I reached a particularly deep meditation, I felt a new connection with myself. It was like I was going up into an attic… and in the far corner was a little girl. I felt like she had been neglected and had no power to be seen or heard… and I felt a deep conviction that I was responsible. I was somewhat startled and immediately snapped out of my meditation. I wondered tp myself, “is my subconscious… female?” I’d never heard of such a thing, I didn’t know if it was even possible for one part of the mind to be associated with a specific gender, and that gender be different from the conscious identity. I wasn’t opposed to the idea but I couldn’t tell if it was just my imagination. I asked a few people I knew that were comfortable with metaphysical ideas and they hadn’t heard of anything like this either but didn’t seem think it was very unusual. I decided to accept the idea and continue making space for my subconscious mind. A couple years later I got certified as a life coach and started my business, which brings us to my official story.
So where did the name “Blixxa” come from? It’s hard choosing a name, your own name. I thought about my Japanese heritage and the things that were important to me: wonder, discovery and passion. I didn’t like any of the Japanese translations. I gave up for a while. Later I was reading an interview from the singer of an old German industrial band I liked, Einsturzende Neubauten. The singer (originally Christian Emmerich) was asked about the meaning of his uncommon name. He referenced a German folktale about the strength of a flower that grows out of the stone, and I though “THAT’S ME!!!” Unfortunately, the article was in German and I was using Google translate and I had completely misunderstood the story. Anyway, the singer used the name “Blixa” and it just means generous or some shit. I added the extra X for the female chromosome.
Not knowing anyone in the LGBTQIA community made my first steps very difficult. I joined the local Queer Exchange on facebook and asked about therapist. I was referred to an occupational therapist. Her main job was working with survivors of sexual violence, to help them reclaim an connection with their own body. In her private practice she was able to help people like me. We did “embodiment exercises” which felt like sexy dancing in slow motion and sexually provocative yoga. I had a lot of trouble with it at first but eventually something broke and a lot of painful emotions came to the surface. I became aware that there was this feminine person inside me for a long time but didn’t have the vocabulary to express herself. I felt so much guilt and shame, like maybe I didn’t deserve to transition. But the next discovery was incredible. I started to develop the ability to access “Blixxa” easier and more frequently. Every time I did there was never any hint of bitterness or resentment. Somehow she was joyful and innocent. When I was finally ready, I felt her gratitude for keeping her alive and safe… and a gentle whisper that my job was done. Brian was ready to die.
I held a small intimate memorial service and said my thank yous and farewells to Brian. It’s not all flowers and rainbows now, patriarchy is still real, medical gatekeepers are still real, I look in the mirror and see a man’s face. Each day Blixxa is blossoming a bit more (thanks to HRT and an amazingly supportive family and my trans friends that I met on Facebook in Trans support groups). So much of this experience is confusing, I see an attractive woman and I can’t tell if I want to look like her or be with her. As I write this, I’m not sure if I should be saying “he” or “I” when recalling my pre-transition life. But I guess it’s all part of the journey. Thanks for reading. Please pass this on if you think anyone else could benefit from my story.
In the meantime, here are some resources that were shared with me that were very helpful:
The Gender Dysphoria Bible
This is a great place to start if you know nothing.
https://genderdysphoria.fyi (there is also an active trans support network on Reddit)
Gender Affirming Support
Transitioning is hard, a gender affirming therapist can be the difference between success and failure or even life and death. These kind of therapists can be hard to find, LGBTQ centers or Planned Parenthood should be able to give you a referral. If you aren’t able to get a referral from a trusted source you could try psychologytoday.com, enter your area, filter your search (gender affirming services, LGBTQ friendly, etc) and then see if they have any reviews on social media.
Planned Parenthood
The average primary care physician (PC) doesn’t know how to prescribe hormone therapy, and insurance companies often require a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria to get started with Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). If your doctor can’t help you with HRT, Planned Parenthood is a good place to start. They got me on Estradiol (estrogen) and Spironolactone (testosterone blocker) in a month.
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/gender-identity
Informed Consent Locations
If you don’t have a local Planned Parenthood then his map may help:
https://www.google.com/maps/d/u/0/viewer?mid=1DxyOTw8dI8n96BHFF2JVUMK7bXsRKtzA&ll=42.47025816653199%2C-97.03854516744877&z=4
Out of Pocket Options
If you do not have insurance or your insurance does not cover gender affirming care then other alternatives include Folx or Plume.
LGBT Centers
If you are in a housing crisis this resource might be able to connect you to a Trans friendly shelter”
https://www.lgbtcenters.org/LgbtCenters?fbclid=IwAR1Xl3wZNa_grF-fmlv7ph4DtdMMyxQPm0Z4ZImYgDKp7Gm36_MnLoAwMuI